The Shovel, the Dirt, and the Weight of Grief: Why Shared Grief Matters
I went to a funeral recently, and once again, I was surprised by something the rabbi said at the graveside. He spoke about an old Jewish tradition — one I’ve heard before — that after you take your turn shoveling dirt into the grave, you place the shovel back into the pile rather than hand it to the next person.
Why? Because, as the rabbi explained, you don’t want to “pass on your grief.”
What???
I have been to my share of Jewish funerals over the years, but the explanation never really stood out to me — not until after my mom died, when I became more familiar with what grief actually feels like.
This is the second time I’ve heard that same explanation, and both times I’ve felt the same mix of surprise and disappointment — both as a Jewish woman and as someone who believes deeply in the power of shared grief.
In Jewish tradition, mourners are encouraged to participate in the burial — to take the shovel, scoop the dirt, and lay it gently or heavily onto the casket. It’s meant to be an act of final kindness, a mitzvah that cannot be repaid. It is one of the most sacred and humbling things you can do for another human being. The sound of the dirt hitting the casket — that deep, hollow thud — marks the physical finality of death. It is a moment that makes loss real.
And yet, somehow, woven into this beautiful ritual, there’s this idea of not “passing on your grief.” As if grief is something you can catch, like a cold. As if it’s something you can protect others from by not handing them a handle.
That doesn’t sit right with me.
To me, the beauty of Judaism — and of grief itself — lies in community. We show up for shiva. We bring food. We sit quietly beside the mourner when there are no words. We are with each other in loss. So how does the act of not handing off a shovel align with that?
I understand the symbolism — each person must take on their own portion of the grief, their own responsibility to say goodbye. Maybe the gesture is meant to honor that. But it also feels like a missed opportunity to acknowledge that while grief is personal, it’s also profoundly communal.
Grief is not something to be contained or avoided. It is the price we pay for love — and what a sacred price that is.
Maybe instead of worrying about “passing on” our grief, we should focus on sharing it — holding it together, one shovel, one story, one heart at a time.
At Grieve2Live, we believe that all grief deserves to be seen and supported. Whatever loss you are facing, know that your feelings are valid, and you are not alone.
